Our society stresses action and doing, not being. It is difficult to remain in the darkness of expectant waiting when our world seems bereft and empty, when all that we have seen and known is taken away from us. It is sometimes near impossible to remember that the light is ever-present while not visible and that life is gestating and preparing to birth again. At least this was the case for me when our dearest daughter, Kristina, died in a tragic car accident on Easter Sunday, 1991. The powerful transmission of spiritual energy between the generations was suddenly curtailed; I felt suspended in the deep darkness of loss without knowing the way out. It would take years of psychological and spiritual direction before a safe path was hewed through the wild and untamed forests of grief.
Two experiences sustained me then and still do. That night at the hospital while praying with two Associate friends, the words from Isaiah, “You have given all to me, now I return it” were all I was able to articulate, yet their gift was the confirmation of a sure, unwavering faith in the cycle of life and the sacred mystery that is the Holy. And then came the dream that called me “to the sanctuary, or spiritual center of my being” and took me “beyond linear and spatial limits” to a new consciousness (Geri Grubbs. Bereavement Dreaming and the Individuating Soul. Berwick, Maine: Nicolas-Hays, Inc, 2004). In the dream,
Kristina and I are walking along a dark alley when suddenly, she falls into a deep rectangular-shaped hole. Desperate to rescue her, I climb down the rocky face to rescue her. The descent into the hole is slow and scary but I manage to do it. Lo and behold, there she is – just as she was – but cradled in a manger filled with straw! I am surprised that it is not dark down here; the space is filled with a deep, golden, warming light. I figure that we will have to climb up the way I came down but miraculously, over to the right, is a shiny, copper ladder fixed against the wall. We climb up, me first; I woke before I ever knew if she made it out.