A Psychiatrist's Letter to Young People About "Fifty Shades of Grey"

There’s nothing grey about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s all black.

Let me explain.

I help people who are broken inside. Unlike doctors who use x-rays or blood tests to determine why someone’s in pain, the wounds I’m interested in are hidden. I ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. That’s how I discover why the person in front of me is “bleeding”.

Years of careful listening have taught me a lot. One thing I’ve learned is that young people are utterly confused about love – finding it and keeping it. They make poor choices, and end up in lots of pain.

I don’t want you to suffer like the people I see in my office, so I’m warning you about a new movie called Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if you don’t see the film, its message is seeping into our culture, and could plant some dangerous ideas in your head. Be prepared.

Fifty Shades of Grey is being released for Valentine’s Day, so you’ll think it’s a romance. Don’t fall for it. The movie is actually about a sick, dangerous relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse. It seems glamorous, because the actors are gorgeous, they have expensive cars and private planes, and Beyonce is singing. You might conclude that Christian and Ana are cool, and that even though their relationship is different, it’s acceptable.

Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by a Hollywood studio. The people there just want your money; they have no concern whatsoever about you and your dreams.

Abuse is not glamorous or cool.  It is never OK, under any circumstances.

This is what you need to know about Fifty Shades of Grey: as a child, Christian Grey was terribly neglected. He is confused about love because he never experienced the real thing. In his mind, love is tangled up with bad feelings like pain and embarrassment.  Christian has pleasure from controlling and  hurting women in bizarre ways. Anastasia is an immature girl who falls for Christian’s looks and wealth, and foolishly goes along with his desires.

In the real world, this story would end badly, with Christian in jail,  and Ana in a shelter – or morgue. Or maybe Christian would continue beating Ana, and she’d stay and suffer. Either way, their lives would most definitely not be a fairy tale. Trust me on this one.

As a doctor, I’m urging you: do NOT see Fifty Shades of Grey. Get informed, learn the facts, and explain to your friends why they shouldn’t see it either.

Here are a few of the dangerous ideas promoted by Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Girls want guys like Christian who order them around and get rough.

No! A psychologically healthy woman avoids pain. She wants to feel safe, respected and cared for by a man she can trust. She dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs.

2. Guys want a girl like Anastasia who is meek and insecure.

Wrong. A psychologically healthy man wants a woman who can stand up for herself.  If he is out of line, he wants her to set him straight.

3. Anastasia exercises free choice when she consents to being hurt, so no one can judge her decision.

Flawed logic. Sure, Anastasia had free choice – and she chose poorly. A self-destructive decision is a bad decision.

4. Anastasia makes choices about Christian in a thoughtful and detached manner.

I doubt that. Christian constantly supplies Anastasia with alcohol, impairing her judgement.  Also, Anastasia becomes sexually active with Christian – her first experience ever – soon after meeting him. Neuroscience suggests their intimacy could jump start her feelings of attachment and trust, before she’s certain he deserved them.  Sex is a powerful, intense experience – particularly the first time. Finally, Christian manipulates Anastasia into signing a legal agreement prohibiting her from telling anyone that he is a long time abuser.

Alcohol, sex, manipulation – hardly the ingredients of a thoughtful, detached decision.

5. Christian’s emotional problems are cured by Anastasia’s love.

Only in a movie. In the real world, Christian wouldn’t change to any significant degree. If Anastasia was fulfilled by helping emotionally disturbed people, she should have become a psychiatrist or social worker.

6. It’s good to experiment with sexuality.

Maybe… for adults in a long term, healthy, committed, monogomous relationship, AKA “marriage”.  Otherwise, you’re at high risk for STDs, pregnancy, and sexual assault. It’s wise to be very careful who you allow to get close to you, physically and emotionally, because just one encounter can throw you off track and change your life forever.

Bottom line: the power of Fifty Shades of Grey lies in its ability to plant seeds of doubt. There are vast differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, but the movie blurs those differences, so you begin to wonder: what’s healthy in a relationship? What’s sick? There are so many shades of grey…I’m not sure.

Listen, it’s your safety and future we’re talking about here. There’s no room for doubt; an intimate relationship that includes violence, consensual or not, is unacceptable.

This is black and white. There are no shades of grey here. Not even one.

Acknowledgement

Miriam Grossman, M.D. "A Psychiatrist's Letter to Young People About 50 Shades of Grey." (February 11, 2015).

Reprinted with permission.

The Author

Miriam Grossman, M.D., is a board certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist. She writes and speaks to parents, students, educators, and health professionals internationally on the dangers of political correctness in her profession. She is the author of You're Teaching My Child What?: A Physician Exposes the Lies of Sex Education and How They Harm Your Child and Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student. Her website is here.  

www.MiriamGrossmanMD.com/blog Facebook page www.facebook.com/MiriamGrossmanMD

Why do we need Black History Month?

As Sisters of St. Joseph, our spirituality urges us to build relationships with all people and create communities inclusive of everyone. I think this call continues to help us all as we live our lives at this moment of history. February is designated as Black History Month. Once again we can visit the stories of so many of our black people who suffered and died and others who survived. Black History Month reminds us of the courage and creativity of so many of these brave and courageous people. Their stories continue to inspire us. The video below tells us the story of a Black Negro spiritual, “Amazing Grace.”  It is a hymn we sing so many times when we gather to pray and remember. It is a story we should never forget. Perhaps we will remember them and work for greater justice for all in our world. If we don’t remember, we will forget!

Joan Atkinson CSJ

Video from KarmaTube

At Carnegie Hall, gospel singer Wintley Phipps delivers perhaps the most powerful rendition of Amazing Grace ever recorded. He says, "A lot of people don't realize that just about all Negro spirituals are written on the black notes of the piano. Probably the most famous on this slave scale was written by John Newton, who used to be the captain of a slave ship, and many believe he heard this melody that sounds very much like a West African sorrow chant. And it has a haunting, haunting plaintive quality to it that reaches past your arrogance, past your pride, and it speaks to that part of you that's in bondage. And we feel it. We feel it. It's just one of the most amazing melodies in all of human history." After sharing the noteworthy history of the song, Mr. Phipps delivers a stirring performance that brings the audience to its feet!

Using Our Global CSJ Voice

The Federation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Canada is leading the global voice of Sisters of St. Joseph throughout the world to send an urgent message to the United Nation’s Commission for Social  Development’s 53^rd Session Feb. 4-13, 2015. Their message presses the commission to consider priorities in “strengthening social development in the contemporary world”. It also calls upon the commission to enact policies that create comprehensive protection of the rights of all migrants.

The Sisters’ statement, “The Overview to the Statement on Migration to the United Nations” cites Article 2 of the “Universal Declaration of Human Rights”:  “Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration without distinction of any kind”.  Concerning this claim, the submission points out, “Such rights are only as strong as the commitments of governments to uphold them, and the Congregations of the Sisters of St. Joseph are disturbed by practices and policies that weaken these rights in the countries where we live and work. This pattern is particularly evident with regard to rights that apply to migrants and refugees”.

The submission also outlines concerns with a host of other social problems, including refugee resettlement, human trafficking, climate change and the politics of xenophobia.

Sr. Sue Wilson, is the director for the Federation of the Sisters of St.  Joseph of Canada Office for Systemic Justice and principal writer of the statement that was submitted to the United Nations. The submission represents over 10,000 CSJ Sisters in 49 countries of the 6 continents in the world. The Congregations of St. Joseph are a Non-Governmental Organization with General Consultative Status with the Economic and Social Council at the United Nations.

With the UN’s endorsement through the Commission, of the  Sisters’ plea for a fair and just interpretation of refugee rights and the rights of so many other marginalized people, the Sisters hope that all levels of government as well as ordinary citizens will again embrace their responsibility to love and assist the dear neighbor in need.

Click on link to read more: “St. Joe’s Sisters spearhead call to protect migrants”

Jean Moylan CSJ

A story of human trafficking

Mai came to a city in Ontario to work as a caregiver for a family from her country of origin. She thought she was coming to Canada under the Caregiver program but when she arrived at the home, her employers took her passport and told her that she did not have the proper papers for being in Canada but that they would take care of the problem.  They also told her that she would be paid at the end of two years. Mai worked seven days a week (usually from 5:00 am to 11:00 pm) and slept on the kitchen floor. At the end of the two years she did not receive any payment. When she complained to the family they ignored her, except to say that if she tried to call the police (difficult given her lack of English), she would be arrested because she didn’t have the proper documentation (they did not do the immigration paperwork as they had promised).  Many weeks later, with the help of an acquaintance, Mai made it to a refugee centre to ask for help.

What is human trafficking?

Trafficking in persons occurs when someone gains a profit from the exploitation of another person through means of coercion, deception or fraud. This exploitation can take many different forms such as sexual exploitation (in sex trade, one partner exploiting another), labour exploitation in the service industry (restaurants, hotels), agriculture (fields, greenhouses), domestic work (baby sitters, nannies, personal care workers, housekeepers) as well as construction and manufacturing. Forced marriage can lead to both sexual and labour exploitation and, at times, reaches the level of human trafficking. In some countries, people are trafficked for their organs.

As a society, we contribute to many of the underlying causes of human trafficking

People become vulnerable to being trafficked through social and economic exclusion. Many people experience exclusion due to such barriers as poverty, gender bias, racism, lack of education and lack of opportunity; others become excluded as a result of mental illness, addiction, family disconnection or social isolation. 

First Nations women and girls can be particularly vulnerable to being trafficked for sexual exploitation because they often experience multiple barriers intersecting in their lives. Human trafficking exposes our failures as a society and challenges us to address these underlying patterns of exclusion.

Highly selective immigration policies force migrants into dangerous means of migration

Canada’s immigration policies give clear priority to those who are highly educated and highly skilled, or have money to invest. Such increasingly restrictive immigration rules are detrimental to people who are forced to migrate due to violations of their economic, social and cultural rights -- violations that are often so severe that they threaten survival. When denied regularized routes of migration, people in such situations are forced to take routes that are far more precarious. Some rely on smugglers to get them across borders, and too often these arrangements devolve into situations of abuse, human trafficking or death. Others migrate through temporary work programs and find that they are vulnerable to workplace exploitation that, at times, reaches the level of human trafficking.

February 8, 2015

As we join with others in prayer on February 8, 2015, to mark the Catholic Church’s first International Day of Prayer and Awareness of Human Trafficking, let us also bring an awareness of our collective complicity in these tragic stories so that we might be moved to action. The date for the initiative is the feast of St. Josephine Bakhita, considered a patron saint for trafficking victims. Born in 1868 in Darfur, Sudan, she was kidnapped at the age of nine and sold into slavery, first in her country and later in Italy. She died in 1947 and was declared a saint by Pope St. John Paul II in 2000. Here is her story.

Sue Wilson CSJ

Consecrated Life: What's it all about?

The decision to dedicate oneself to consecrated life is not like the choice to enter a particular profession, but rather a mystical response to a deeply felt invitation that is often surprising and little understood, a persistent call that impels one to a life that is no better or worse, only different from the baptismal call to marriage or single life. Profession of the three vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, a traditional trademark of consecrated life, does make a difference in the common journey we are all called to as followers of Christ.  Consecrated life has always called us to stand on the periphery of our society, but the living out is in the context of a continuing call to be transformed by the changing needs of our times.

The vow of poverty does not mean living a destitute life, but rather a detachment from the lure of material goods which is so rampant in our consumerist society. We also learn to share in common our goods like food and vehicles and living quarters. 

The vow of chastity is the complete giving of oneself to God, and in that is a great freedom to love and serve others without the obligations of family. In return we receive love through an ever deepening relationship with Jesus, the love and support of others in community and the joy experienced in serving others. 

The vow of obedience is seeking God’s will through actively listening to the Holy spirit, dialoguing openly with leaders and community on how your gifts and talents may best be used for your own fulfillment and the common good of the community. Gifted with a great freedom to go where others cannot go in terms of risk or distance, to do what is most needed in our neighbourhoods and beyond, to offer to people in distress services that are the fruit of compassion and contemplative prayer, those who have embraced the challenges of consecrated life have borne fruit over the ages. The stories of our own Sisters here who continue to step out in faith are wonderful examples of the power of the Spirit to inspire and animate our common mission in spite of our own human weaknesses and failings.

The North American experience of diminishment and few vocations among religious congregations has led to the question of whether our form of consecrated life is coming to an end.  In the southern hemisphere among the new churches vocations to consecrated life abound.  For us the road ahead is not clear but we walk in a spirit of trust and hope, open to the same Spirit that has led us through these times of great change.  What have we to offer to our world at this point? Although there are many ways to respond, I wish to highlight three gifts that we have to offer out of the abundance we have been given.

One is a faithfulness to prayer, to that relationship with our God that is deepened by the contemplative dimension of our lives, the source of energy and direction for the mission and ministries we realize.  Time for prayer has always been woven into the fabric of our lives.  This communication with God is as integral to our lives as time spent with each other in a marriage relationship. We continue to be there for those who seek direction in prayer formally or casually, and support and encourage opportunities that call people together for prayer. Our personal prayer time often increases as the more active demands of life lessen, and the focus widens to include the whole of creation.

Another gift we share comes through our call to live in community. The gift of community challenges us to be faithful in our daily lives to the vows we profess, and helps us to smooth out the rough edges of our personalities for the common good. It supports and comforts us in our darker hours, and rejoices with us in our moments of celebration.  It encourages us to develop our personal gifts and talents, to be all that we can be, and to risk without fear of failure, for the sake of the mission. In a society where the basic family community is often separated by distance or division, where individual aims and pursuits are the cultural norm, we witness to the value of community for those who seek meaning and identity in social relationship.  In our present move toward partnering with other groups that share our spirit, we share what our experience has taught us about community building.

All of us are called through baptism to be prophets, but those of us who have chosen the consecrated life are seen as the prophetic voice of the Church. Down through the ages religious congregations have strongly identified with the Church, are aware of their place within the Church, yet have not hesitated to call into question situations or judgments that seem out of harmony with the Gospel message. From our stance on the edge of society, we have a perception that is different from the main stream, and are able to see from another perspective needs that are developing, or decisions that will take us in certain directions. Powerful examples of a prophetic stance in our time are the Jesuits in El Salvador who spoke for justice for the poor, Sister Dorothy Stang who fought for land reform in northern Brazil, and the French Trappist monks, massacred in Algeria for their presence and practice of inclusive love.  In another vein, the recent struggle between the Vatican and the Leadership Conference of Women Religious in the U.S. is a different kind of example of the prophetic dimension of consecrated life.  Many prophetic voices do not make headlines but are just as powerful in their context. The cost of being a prophet is clearly demonstrated in the Old Testament and in the story of Jesus who gave his life when his message of God’s unconditional love for all threatened those who had something to lose if it was received and accepted. 

Pope Francis has a threefold reason for declaring that 2015 be a year for the celebration of Consecrated Life. The first is to awaken religious to the great challenge of their call in the present, to renew their passion for the mission of Jesus, and serve with the joy that comes from following Christ so intimately. His second reason is to draw attention to the gift that consecrated life offers to the whole Church, and call the faithful to grateful awareness of what has been and is being given particularly by religious congregations. And his third reason is to encourage vocations to religious life, and asks that the faithful pray for vocations and support those who are discerning such a call.

As one who has responded to the invitation to be part of concentrated life in the church, I can only say that it has been for me a good life that offers abundant graces and opportunities for service that I would never have imagined possible. Someone once said that God can never be outdone in generosity, and as one who in my youth gave myself to God as a vowed religious, I learn a little more each day how true that is. It is not an easy life, but a most rewarding one and I am most grateful to have said yes to the invitation when I had little idea of what it was all about.

Joan Driscoll, CSJ